by Michael Adler   

2/15/2010
Gainesville Daily Statement

Obama lays out case for continued war with Iraq

Yesterday, President Barack Obama began one of his usual press briefings with an inspiring speech defending his decision to continue the war in Iraq. We here at the Statement, thought it was so good, that instead of reporting what was in it, we would just print it verbatim. Enjoy:

Barack Obama, Monday Feb 15, 2010
Good morning. I would like to begin this press briefing by addressing the situation in Iraq. We have had some successes lately, but our work there is not done.

In the beginning of our involvement in Iraq, we removed Saddam Hussein from power. He was a terrible dictator, who we put into power, and Iraqis are better off now that he's gone, but we didn't stop there.

After Saddam's fall, the power vacuum lead to widespread violence. At first, we fought against the violence directly, such as the operation in Faluja. We incinerated nearly every living thing in the city, through the use of white phosphorous, but strangely, the violence only increased. Later, we achieved a large degree of success in combating the violence in Iraq, when we decided to stop fighting against the local militias, and instead helped them to police their neighborhoods. This strategy was referred to as "The Surge," and it was immensely successful. The level of fighting between local militias and our armed forces dropped dramatically, when we stopped attacking them. The Iraqis again, are much better off, due to the decline in violence, but we won't stop there.

I have learned that the number of reckless driving deaths in Iraq is nearly 10,000 per year, much of that due to a lack of seatbelts and airbags in the older cars common in Iraq. We will direct our capable war-fighting machine, to remove unsafe cars from Iraqi roads, through the use of targeted air-strikes.

In addition, I have learned that the annual death toll from smoking in Iraq is approximately 8,000 people. You can rest assured, that we will not leave Iraq, until every one of the tobacco-trafficking terrorists, who are poisoning the Iraqi people, are either captured or killed.

Furthermore, it has come to my attention, that seven million Iraqi citizens do not have access to quality health insurance. I have made the necessary arrangements for Wellpoint, Cigna, Humana, Kaiser permanente, and other insurers, to offer policies to the Iraqi people, who will be targeted by helicopter gun-ships if they refuse to buy a policy. Those who cannot afford a policy, may beg for mercy.

Moreover, it has come to my attention, that a recent rash of attacks against the Iraqi people, has been committed, by none other than, the one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple, people-eater. The people-eater will not escape justice, and we will not abandon the Iraqi people until every drop of... excuse me... until the people-eater is found and destroyed, even if we have to napalm the entire country, to do it.

Some on the Left, advocate that we should stop helping the Iraqi people, but the alternative, is to do nothing. The only options in foreign policy, are war, and doing nothing; and sometimes to threaten war, but that usually is only a precursor to actual war, because we like to look like we tried to avoid war. If the United States were to abandon Iraq, at this critical time, the results would be predictable and catastrophic.

In conclusion, I would like to remind you that any time a cause is just, it means that a war to address that cause, or even tangentially related, is justified as well.

Thank you and G-d Bless.

I will now open the floor for questions.





Notice: This is not spam. Spam comes in cans and is yucky stuff made from the offal of pigs. This is political satire, only partially derived from pigs. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, you are probably cynical and dejected about the state of the world. If you know any other such people who could use a laugh, please fwd this to them. All previous stories are viewable at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GDS-list/